Heal Thyself

 

 

I've mentioned in other blog posts indirectly and directly that I have a mild to moderate form of agoraphobia. You can look up what that is but in a nut-shell it means I struggle with leaving my home. I also have severe panic attacks, severe enough to land me in the ER. So after much thought and some prayer I have decided it is time to help myself come out of this disorder. Or at the very least learn how to function better with it.

I'm starting here with this as a sort of journal through the process.

 Where I am now compared to where I was before now.

When the kids were home I took them to school stuff like sports and to their friends homes. I even took them and their friends to the movies and to the mall etc..I also worked part-time. I had friends over but seldom visited anyone. I went to church off and on. Usually alone after the kids quit attending with me out of their feelings of obligation. So after feeling left out from church family events etc, I stopped attending until about five years ago. When I got sick from cancer again I went only while recovering and stopped after having yet another panic attack at church. Then Covid hit shortly afterwards. As an agoraphobic I will restrain myself from saying "see, I told ya so!" (Lame joke, I know). 

I used to do all my own grocery shopping and even went with my friend Dottie shopping and out to eat quite often. She even went with me to get a treatment once. I get treatments every three weeks. I always go alone now since my husband is always working. He will retire in a year. He will probably go with me then. Apart from those treatments, I do not go anywhere else alone. I sometimes will go to Walmart to grocery shop with my husband. My daughter Sam picks me up every few months to spend a week or so with them. This is such a blessing! 

Its getting worse..

I now struggle to leave the house and go out into the yard. Thank God I have two hens to look after and flowers to water. Otherwise, I would never step outside the door except to go to treatment or go with husband to grocery shop.

I have not seen a dentist in ten years. I used to go every six months. Thankfully I have healthy teeth..but I need a checkup. I have not had a haircut since before my treatment in 2018 when I knew my hair was gonna fall out and so I donated my long locks to charity. That's five years ago.

I'm having to force myself to get dressed every day. Sometimes I don't manage it. My thinking goes something like this: What is the point..nobody will see me and I'm only wasting having to launder more clothes for no reason. 

It's the same kind of thinking process I have whenever I try to plan to get into my truck to just get away from the house for awhile..Not going to treatment or shopping with husband..But just going for a drive or to visit my youngest daughter and my granddaughter just for the heck of it. I immediately think I will be wasting gas and will be intruding on the family. I even start feeling guilty for not staying home and doing the housework more efficiently. 

Speaking of housework and home..I used to stay primarily in my bedroom to save on heating/cooling expense and also to keep the rest of our small house tidier. But lately, I'm spending a lot of time in my recliner in the living room where this computer and my Play Station is since its more convenient. This is not gonna work out when my husband retires next May. He likes his TV shows and I like silence and playing on my computer games. I will go back into my bedroom then. 

Out of sight Out of mind.

Which takes me back to my early childhood.. 

I would spend my days playing underneath the dining-room table where I was hidden by the long linen table cloth. This went on for years until I got my own bedroom at the age of eleven. I stayed inside that room even to eat my meals because my stepfather did not want me around. That went on until I was forced to move into my sister's home at seventeen.  I did not live there for too long though. I married young and had a home and family of my own. 

We moved far away from our families and friends thirty years ago and I have not had too many friends here since..and mostly just our little family of five (we had three girls). Now they are all out on their own with families themselves and I am here in this house alone most of the time with no friends and not much family close. 

I know we are free to live as we like..and I should be true to myself and just be myself..but I am still finding who I am. I did not expect to survive this long as the cancer is an aggressive one. I am thankful the treatment and ultimately God is keeping me alive..but I have to make some decisions about the rest of my life now. 

After my sisters death last week and going to the funeral yesterday, seeing family I had not seen for many years, I realized just how alone I really am in life. I have my husband and dog. Two daughters out of our three stays in touch regularly. One of which has agoraphobia as well. (Must be genetic)

So, I am here writing about my real life. I'm not editing these posts..except for grammar etc. 

Until next post..

I remain in Him~Never Forsaken~
 

 

THE TRUTH IS SOMETIMES PAINFUL

 

I'm trying to be a more authentic me. This requires being honest about my daily life and owning up to who I have become because of the decisions I've made and experiences I've had all throughout my 58 years here on earth. I'm not trying to cause anyone pain, but sometimes the truth can be painful..even for me. 

Normally I'd say this kind of honest evaluation can only serve to make us better human beings, but honestly..I don't believe that anymore.  I know I don't have a lot of years left to finally become a well-adjusted pleasant person with a lot of friends and family all around me. And, strangely..I'm OK with that. Not only can the truth be painful, but thankfully it can also set you free.

Still His, 

& Still...

~Never Forsaken~

NO MORE BIRTHDAYS (Edited version)

 

 

My only sister died on my birthday last Friday- June 9, 2023. 

I am still in deep grieving for my best friend who died two years ago on May 10, 2021. 

My family do not talk to me for many years now. Only my sister and I would talk for hours on the phone..but not so much this year. I knew she was fighting cancer, but she told me it was not serious and she was doing fine. They put her in the hospital last Monday and did surgery on a blood clot. She died four days later from a bleed that was result of surgeon's error.

My phone rang Friday morning- two calls were missed because I was asleep, then in the shower, and I almost did not answer the third one because there was no caller ID. I was not notified that she had been admitted nor was I told that she was doing very poorly. I was only told about her death. I am seldom on Facebook. I dislike it for reasons I will not get into on here right now.

The three calls were no caller ID because, although I have had the same number for thirty years, people in my family do not call me to give me their numbers..I do not blame my oldest brother Gary, as he is very sick and his wife does everything for him.

It might be a good idea to remind whoever may read this that I have a mild/moderate form of Agoraphobia and seldom leave my house. Cancer and COVID only made this disorder worse the last few years.

Life looks pretty bleak. My loved ones are home with the Lord now, and I am not sad for them. But I am being honest when I say I am sad for me. I will never celebrate my birthday again. I did not really celebrate it very much to begin with anyway.

I will survive until I can't any longer. That is all I can do...survive one day at a time.

Keeping to myself more than ever now. I have no real life friends. I do have a few close family members still. That is a blessing that some people do not have. I will be content with this. I'll stop focusing on the losses and appreciate what and who I still have left. I will try to be a better person for them. 

Jesus is still my constant friend.

There's nothing that can take me from Him.  

I remain, In Him...

~NEVER-FORSAKEN~