Goodbye, Dear little Laydee

 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. Matthew 10:31

Heal Thyself

 

 

I've mentioned in other blog posts indirectly and directly that I have a mild to moderate form of agoraphobia. You can look up what that is but in a nut-shell it means I struggle with leaving my home. I also have severe panic attacks, severe enough to land me in the ER. So after much thought and some prayer I have decided it is time to help myself come out of this disorder. Or at the very least learn how to function better with it.

I'm starting here with this as a sort of journal through the process.

 Where I am now compared to where I was before now.

When the kids were home I took them to school stuff like sports and to their friends homes. I even took them and their friends to the movies and to the mall etc..I also worked part-time. I had friends over but seldom visited anyone. I went to church off and on. Usually alone after the kids quit attending with me out of their feelings of obligation. So after feeling left out from church family events etc, I stopped attending until about five years ago. When I got sick from cancer again I went only while recovering and stopped after having yet another panic attack at church. Then Covid hit shortly afterwards. As an agoraphobic I will restrain myself from saying "see, I told ya so!" (Lame joke, I know). 

I used to do all my own grocery shopping and even went with my friend Dottie shopping and out to eat quite often. She even went with me to get a treatment once. I get treatments every three weeks. I always go alone now since my husband is always working. He will retire in a year. He will probably go with me then. Apart from those treatments, I do not go anywhere else alone. I sometimes will go to Walmart to grocery shop with my husband. My daughter Sam picks me up every few months to spend a week or so with them. This is such a blessing! 

Its getting worse..

I now struggle to leave the house and go out into the yard. Thank God I have two hens to look after and flowers to water. Otherwise, I would never step outside the door except to go to treatment or go with husband to grocery shop.

I have not seen a dentist in ten years. I used to go every six months. Thankfully I have healthy teeth..but I need a checkup. I have not had a haircut since before my treatment in 2018 when I knew my hair was gonna fall out and so I donated my long locks to charity. That's five years ago.

I'm having to force myself to get dressed every day. Sometimes I don't manage it. My thinking goes something like this: What is the point..nobody will see me and I'm only wasting having to launder more clothes for no reason. 

It's the same kind of thinking process I have whenever I try to plan to get into my truck to just get away from the house for awhile..Not going to treatment or shopping with husband..But just going for a drive or to visit my youngest daughter and my granddaughter just for the heck of it. I immediately think I will be wasting gas and will be intruding on the family. I even start feeling guilty for not staying home and doing the housework more efficiently. 

Speaking of housework and home..I used to stay primarily in my bedroom to save on heating/cooling expense and also to keep the rest of our small house tidier. But lately, I'm spending a lot of time in my recliner in the living room where this computer and my Play Station is since its more convenient. This is not gonna work out when my husband retires next May. He likes his TV shows and I like silence and playing on my computer games. I will go back into my bedroom then. 

Out of sight Out of mind.

Which takes me back to my early childhood.. 

I would spend my days playing underneath the dining-room table where I was hidden by the long linen table cloth. This went on for years until I got my own bedroom at the age of eleven. I stayed inside that room even to eat my meals because my stepfather did not want me around. That went on until I was forced to move into my sister's home at seventeen.  I did not live there for too long though. I married young and had a home and family of my own. 

We moved far away from our families and friends thirty years ago and I have not had too many friends here since..and mostly just our little family of five (we had three girls). Now they are all out on their own with families themselves and I am here in this house alone most of the time with no friends and not much family close. 

I know we are free to live as we like..and I should be true to myself and just be myself..but I am still finding who I am. I did not expect to survive this long as the cancer is an aggressive one. I am thankful the treatment and ultimately God is keeping me alive..but I have to make some decisions about the rest of my life now. 

After my sisters death last week and going to the funeral yesterday, seeing family I had not seen for many years, I realized just how alone I really am in life. I have my husband and dog. Two daughters out of our three stays in touch regularly. One of which has agoraphobia as well. (Must be genetic)

So, I am here writing about my real life. I'm not editing these posts..except for grammar etc. 

Until next post..

I remain in Him~Never Forsaken~
 

 

THE TRUTH IS SOMETIMES PAINFUL

 

I'm trying to be a more authentic me. This requires being honest about my daily life and owning up to who I have become because of the decisions I've made and experiences I've had all throughout my 58 years here on earth. I'm not trying to cause anyone pain, but sometimes the truth can be painful..even for me. 

Normally I'd say this kind of honest evaluation can only serve to make us better human beings, but honestly..I don't believe that anymore.  I know I don't have a lot of years left to finally become a well-adjusted pleasant person with a lot of friends and family all around me. And, strangely..I'm OK with that. Not only can the truth be painful, but thankfully it can also set you free.

Still His, 

& Still...

~Never Forsaken~

NO MORE BIRTHDAYS (Edited version)

 

 

My only sister died on my birthday last Friday- June 9, 2023. 

I am still in deep grieving for my best friend who died two years ago on May 10, 2021. 

My family do not talk to me for many years now. Only my sister and I would talk for hours on the phone..but not so much this year. I knew she was fighting cancer, but she told me it was not serious and she was doing fine. They put her in the hospital last Monday and did surgery on a blood clot. She died four days later from a bleed that was result of surgeon's error.

My phone rang Friday morning- two calls were missed because I was asleep, then in the shower, and I almost did not answer the third one because there was no caller ID. I was not notified that she had been admitted nor was I told that she was doing very poorly. I was only told about her death. I am seldom on Facebook. I dislike it for reasons I will not get into on here right now.

The three calls were no caller ID because, although I have had the same number for thirty years, people in my family do not call me to give me their numbers..I do not blame my oldest brother Gary, as he is very sick and his wife does everything for him.

It might be a good idea to remind whoever may read this that I have a mild/moderate form of Agoraphobia and seldom leave my house. Cancer and COVID only made this disorder worse the last few years.

Life looks pretty bleak. My loved ones are home with the Lord now, and I am not sad for them. But I am being honest when I say I am sad for me. I will never celebrate my birthday again. I did not really celebrate it very much to begin with anyway.

I will survive until I can't any longer. That is all I can do...survive one day at a time.

Keeping to myself more than ever now. I have no real life friends. I do have a few close family members still. That is a blessing that some people do not have. I will be content with this. I'll stop focusing on the losses and appreciate what and who I still have left. I will try to be a better person for them. 

Jesus is still my constant friend.

There's nothing that can take me from Him.  

I remain, In Him...

~NEVER-FORSAKEN~

2023 FIRST POST AND UPDATE

 

 

 It's 2023. I am Fifty Seven years old.

It feels so strange being this age. I am no longer young, yet I am not yet considered very old, or elderly..but I know that is coming up very fast for me, the years are flying by, and I’ve not been having a whole lot of fun! So much for that old saying  “time flies when you’re having fun “

There's a whole lot of strangeness in this world and I do not know who, if anyone to trust these days. Of course we can only trust Our Lord just as always. This is my comfort. 

I admit I got caught up in all the news and all the stories of Biblical prophecy unfolding very quickly at this time..and I have, once again decided to tune it all out! I simply cannot function with all of it on my mind day and night. I will put these worries and stress into God's hands, where it belongs. I have faith and that is enough.

It's a wet but snowy day outside. I fed Oliver and gave the two hens some warmed peas. We have plenty of fresh water and food in the house. It is warm in here and we are both content in life even though we are not in the best health. 

Our home is paid off and Jeff will retire in less than two years. We have everything we need. God is good and He takes care of us very well. What happens in the world does not happen unless he allows it and it is according to his perfect plan, so fretting about these things is a useless pastime.

 

HERE IS A SUMMARY OF THE LAST FEW MONTHS:

July 19 

 I'm in my fifties and diagnosed with stage four cancer (in remission). I lost a couple good (I thought) friends when I got diagnosed. We really did not expect me to live long, but here I am nearly four years since my second diagnosis with it, and nine years since the beginning. One of the friends came back recently admitting she was scared. I am struggling with her betrayal though to be honest. We were friends since high school. The other friend who lives in the neighborhood remains absent from my life after more than two decades together. {Her choice, not mine.} My very best friend died a year ago May, and I am still hurting from it even though I know I will see her again someday in heaven. I have my husband, my daughter(s) and my dog..without them I would not be here.

 I am slowly getting back into art, mostly sketching in order to keep it simple. For the past five or so years, I have fallen into love with horses! I simply cannot get enough of them, I draw them, play two horse games online, I collect little statues and even have a life-sized stuffed pony that my husband gave me! I am struggling with my faith. Its been hard to talk honestly with God. 

September 22, 2022

 I made fourteen videos for my YouTube channel last month! I planned to continue paying for the two subscriptions that help me make the videos, but after doing so many I realized that there's more than enough content on my channel for anyone to watch for a long, long time now. I have done everything from a tribute to Arthur Morgan (RDR2) to Arthur and Mary, Abigail and John, John and Arthur..to short funny videos, music videos, personal videos etc...) There is literally NOTHING left to make a video about at this time, so I cancelled my subscription to Epidemic sound (Music source)..and Now I am ready to cancel my editor subscription as well. This saves me paying $25 a month! (for something I normally do not use every month). I feel very strongly that it is time to do something else with my time, energy and (hopefully) God-given talents..to pursue my Lord and study the Word of God on a deeper level. I will continue to play RDO with Sam..although the game remains quite broken still..and of course, for relaxation I will play SSO for the horses I have collected and enjoyment in a non-threatening/non-stressful environment. 

 

9/25/22

My hip pain continues. It is the only intolerable pain I have. I need to make sure I have the necessary prescription to keep it under control. I cannot even think or sleep when its at its worst!

January 11, 2023

*NOTE* I just learned that this hip pain is not arthritis or joint pain but a tightened muscle and/or tendon. I learned some stretching exercises {online} to help. This means I can stop taking the medication for pain and manage it better now!

Also...

I've been studying the Bible and listening to many pastors and teachers online. I have been so depressed lately, still missing Deb terribly! I decided this week, after gaining a few unhealthy pounds recently, and having less and less energy I need to take responsibility for my own health, and do something about it! I walked the treadmill for almost 25 minutes this morning, ate steamed spinach with apple cider vinegar and a hard boiled egg in the vinegar as well with turmeric and ate a banana. I also had some white tea and honey as well as my coffee. Yesterday I sat outside with the hens for around a half hour in the fresh/cold air. I will try not to get discouraged and keep on with this plan. Go outside everyday regardless the weather, and eat only real and healthy foods and move my body daily. I am also redirecting my passion for writing back to the Lord. My hope is also to start sketching again soon. My mind needs to be more clear in order to be able to do that though. 

ANOTHER UPDATE: 2/9/2023

 

 Time keeps slipping by. I wonder about continuing to post on this blog? I play Star Stable Online every day and might blog about that more often on-THE DOMINO EFFECT. {My younger grandchildren may enjoy reading that blog}. Because today is a wet, chilly day, I woke up in a lot of pain from arthritis. Jeff works a lot of hours with his own arthritis pain, so I can't complain. Thanks to the blessing of his job, I can chose to take it easy when I don't feel so great. I did take care of the two hens. Laydee, our main laying hen has decided to have a late winter molt and is not laying eggs lately. I've been giving her a lot of extra protein and treats to help her along. I even placed a straw bale with a hanging treat feeder to help her stay warm and active. The coop and run are warm and dry. I miss having fresh eggs.