UPDATE TIME

 It's been sixteen months! 

In April Jeff went into kidney failure and has been on dialysis. He's doing well so far. It was a very stressful time. We had just returned home from visiting our daughter in Indiana for five days when his kidneys shut down. At that same time, our water well pump blew out from a power surge while we were out of state, and we had to stay in a hotel for four days. If that wasn't enough...I had a terrible case of bronchitis, the worst in over four decades! And it was Easter weekend. 

I had to reschedule several of my own doctor and scan appointments until May. I had been taken off of all cancer medication back in October 2024 because I had clear scans up until May, that is. As of May, there are lesions in the liver that we don't know what they are, so my oncologist decided to start me back on the cancer drug I had been on for over 7 years. Honestly, I'm questioning her reason for taking me off it in the first place! I mean, if a medicine is working, why stop taking it? I hate to think she discontinued this infusion for me because my insurance just so happened to stop covering me having it at her facility. That's highly suspicious though. Now I'm still waiting to get started back on the infusion, which has to be administered here at home because there are no dedicated infusion centers anywhere within 200 plus miles in my area! Only hospitals with infusion centers, which are no longer covered for this drug and several others.

So, I last seen my oncologist in early June at which time her office was supposed to schedule a couple more scans, which they did then an MRI showed even more liver lesions, but her office never contacted me even though I asked for her to call me to go over the latest scan. Then, at the same time her office accidently sent the order for my infusion to be given at a 2-and-a-half-hour drive away, to an infusion center that did not even accept my insurance!

Once they figured that mistake out, they sent my order to the correct place but had the wrong birthdate on my file! (I've been going there to this oncologist since 2019!)

So, more time passes without having the medicine I need to fight the cancer. This whole time I'm using a patient advocate through my insurance company to try to get things sorted out. None of this helped though, since now the place I need to go through to get the infusion at home, is still waiting for a final okay from another pharmacy supply corporation to release the drug for them to use, even though my insurance approved it already. So, it's been almost two whole months since I saw the oncologist, who never should have taken me off the medication ten months ago in the first place. 

I could understand if it was my own idea to start infusion at home, but it is not. I don't have a choice. 

Meanwhile, there could be cancer cells growing while we are wrapped up in red tape and my oncologist office has made one blunder after another. Oh, and my oncologist has completely ghosted me!

I'm really leaning on God here and trusting in His own timing. 

Praying everyday

~Blessings & Love, and remember, we are...

~NEVERFORSAKEN~

 

Rain, Rain...

 

 

It's a rainy day here in the middle of the mitt. That's okay with me, I love the feeling of being warm and dry inside my home as I listen to the rain hit the stove pipe. 

I gave my three hens some extra food yesterday as I anticipated this rainy day today..so I need not leave the shelter of my home for any reason today.

I got two new hens last December..they are both Ameraucanas (Easter-eggers) One of them lays a pretty Robin's-egg blue egg..so I named her Robin. The other my granddaughter, Enna named 'Dandelion' because of her fluffy feathered neck and beard looks like the dandelion when she puffs it out. Lovee is the boss and lately the two new girls seem to compete for her attention. Dandelion won her place beside Lovee on the top perch to roost at night..it took her three hours of being chased away and not giving up as she kept coming back to Lovee that first day! Now they are best friends.

It's nice to have eggs every day. We even had eggs throughout the winter months.

I've left Facebook for good. I posted that there was a lesion found on my T1 vertebrae and it was hopefully only arthritis and that is still the hope. It is too far within the bone to biopsy, so after the PET scan said it was likely a bone metastasis..we are still hopeful it will not spread. I will have a scan again in June. 

Jeff retires at the end of next month. It will be an adjustment for both of us. I hope he finds something to keep busy as that will help him stay sane, lol! 

The world continues to fall apart as the war in Israel gets worse..now Iran is involved and people are talking about WW3. Continued unrest in the USA as this is a very unusual election year (full of controversy)..so much pro-Hamas protesting here in America is more than concerning..it is down-right scary! But all is according to God's plan..He remains in control and will deliver us from evil.

In Jesus we pray for peace through the chaos~Amen 

Reasons I Left Facebook

 

 

There's no doubt that our country is changing drastically, and at rapid speed! So many things are happening that it is almost impossible to focus on any one single thing at a time, because we are getting so bombarded with stuff left and right..but here was my final straw amongst many straws:

FBI comes to woman's home

I realize some people may worry that I am being too dramatic, or taking stuff too seriously, but I would argue that most people are not taking things (anything) seriously enough. 

This blog was my very first and my only online platform for many years. If I lose my freedom of speech rights on here, as I know I may..then this will be taken down as well. 

As some people may know, I am a gamer. I have made a lot of YouTube videos most of which are related to the games I play..what many do not yet know, is that recently the gaming industry was contacted by the FBI regarding implementation of an AI program designed to investigate what they deem as "hate speech" within the gaming communities..this extends to platforms such as Discord and Steam, X-box and more. The plan is to force the gaming community to accept all of the "woke" agenda which is infiltrating every aspect of our world these days. In short..there must be more inclusiveness especially regarding gender confused people to be accepted and affirmed in their delusions by the rest of us. What I just wrote would be considered "hate speech" and if I lived in Canada right now I would be found guilty under their new laws. I am deleting my Discord account also. Some of my You Tube content is faith-based, so I would like to keep my channel active for that reason. 

I hope my decision to use this blog again is one that God will bless going forward.  I remember how blessed I was to be able to connect with other like-minded people back years ago before I jumped on the Face-book wagon!

Blessings & Love

and remember, we are...

~NEVER FORSAKEN!~

 

Goodbye, Dear little Laydee

 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. Matthew 10:31

Heal Thyself

 

 

I've mentioned in other blog posts indirectly and directly that I have a mild to moderate form of agoraphobia. You can look up what that is but in a nut-shell it means I struggle with leaving my home. I also have severe panic attacks, severe enough to land me in the ER. So after much thought and some prayer I have decided it is time to help myself come out of this disorder. Or at the very least learn how to function better with it.

I'm starting here with this as a sort of journal through the process.

 Where I am now compared to where I was before now.

When the kids were home I took them to school stuff like sports and to their friends homes. I even took them and their friends to the movies and to the mall etc..I also worked part-time. I had friends over but seldom visited anyone. I went to church off and on. Usually alone after the kids quit attending with me out of their feelings of obligation. So after feeling left out from church family events etc, I stopped attending until about five years ago. When I got sick from cancer again I went only while recovering and stopped after having yet another panic attack at church. Then Covid hit shortly afterwards. As an agoraphobic I will restrain myself from saying "see, I told ya so!" (Lame joke, I know). 

I used to do all my own grocery shopping and even went with my friend Dottie shopping and out to eat quite often. She even went with me to get a treatment once. I get treatments every three weeks. I always go alone now since my husband is always working. He will retire in a year. He will probably go with me then. Apart from those treatments, I do not go anywhere else alone. I sometimes will go to Walmart to grocery shop with my husband. My daughter Sam picks me up every few months to spend a week or so with them. This is such a blessing! 

Its getting worse..

I now struggle to leave the house and go out into the yard. Thank God I have two hens to look after and flowers to water. Otherwise, I would never step outside the door except to go to treatment or go with husband to grocery shop.

I have not seen a dentist in ten years. I used to go every six months. Thankfully I have healthy teeth..but I need a checkup. I have not had a haircut since before my treatment in 2018 when I knew my hair was gonna fall out and so I donated my long locks to charity. That's five years ago.

I'm having to force myself to get dressed every day. Sometimes I don't manage it. My thinking goes something like this: What is the point..nobody will see me and I'm only wasting having to launder more clothes for no reason. 

It's the same kind of thinking process I have whenever I try to plan to get into my truck to just get away from the house for awhile..Not going to treatment or shopping with husband..But just going for a drive or to visit my youngest daughter and my granddaughter just for the heck of it. I immediately think I will be wasting gas and will be intruding on the family. I even start feeling guilty for not staying home and doing the housework more efficiently. 

Speaking of housework and home..I used to stay primarily in my bedroom to save on heating/cooling expense and also to keep the rest of our small house tidier. But lately, I'm spending a lot of time in my recliner in the living room where this computer and my Play Station is since its more convenient. This is not gonna work out when my husband retires next May. He likes his TV shows and I like silence and playing on my computer games. I will go back into my bedroom then. 

Out of sight Out of mind.

Which takes me back to my early childhood.. 

I would spend my days playing underneath the dining-room table where I was hidden by the long linen table cloth. This went on for years until I got my own bedroom at the age of eleven. I stayed inside that room even to eat my meals because my stepfather did not want me around. That went on until I was forced to move into my sister's home at seventeen.  I did not live there for too long though. I married young and had a home and family of my own. 

We moved far away from our families and friends thirty years ago and I have not had too many friends here since..and mostly just our little family of five (we had three girls). Now they are all out on their own with families themselves and I am here in this house alone most of the time with no friends and not much family close. 

I know we are free to live as we like..and I should be true to myself and just be myself..but I am still finding who I am. I did not expect to survive this long as the cancer is an aggressive one. I am thankful the treatment and ultimately God is keeping me alive..but I have to make some decisions about the rest of my life now. 

After my sisters death last week and going to the funeral yesterday, seeing family I had not seen for many years, I realized just how alone I really am in life. I have my husband and dog. Two daughters out of our three stays in touch regularly. One of which has agoraphobia as well. (Must be genetic)

So, I am here writing about my real life. I'm not editing these posts..except for grammar etc. 

Until next post..

I remain in Him~Never Forsaken~
 

 

THE TRUTH IS SOMETIMES PAINFUL

 

I'm trying to be a more authentic me. This requires being honest about my daily life and owning up to who I have become because of the decisions I've made and experiences I've had all throughout my 58 years here on earth. I'm not trying to cause anyone pain, but sometimes the truth can be painful..even for me. 

Normally I'd say this kind of honest evaluation can only serve to make us better human beings, but honestly..I don't believe that anymore.  I know I don't have a lot of years left to finally become a well-adjusted pleasant person with a lot of friends and family all around me. And, strangely..I'm OK with that. Not only can the truth be painful, but thankfully it can also set you free.

Still His, 

& Still...

~Never Forsaken~

NO MORE BIRTHDAYS (Edited version)

 

 

My only sister died on my birthday last Friday- June 9, 2023. 

I am still in deep grieving for my best friend who died two years ago on May 10, 2021. 

My family do not talk to me for many years now. Only my sister and I would talk for hours on the phone..but not so much this year. I knew she was fighting cancer, but she told me it was not serious and she was doing fine. They put her in the hospital last Monday and did surgery on a blood clot. She died four days later from a bleed that was result of surgeon's error.

My phone rang Friday morning- two calls were missed because I was asleep, then in the shower, and I almost did not answer the third one because there was no caller ID. I was not notified that she had been admitted nor was I told that she was doing very poorly. I was only told about her death. I am seldom on Facebook. I dislike it for reasons I will not get into on here right now.

The three calls were no caller ID because, although I have had the same number for thirty years, people in my family do not call me to give me their numbers..I do not blame my oldest brother Gary, as he is very sick and his wife does everything for him.

It might be a good idea to remind whoever may read this that I have a mild/moderate form of Agoraphobia and seldom leave my house. Cancer and COVID only made this disorder worse the last few years.

Life looks pretty bleak. My loved ones are home with the Lord now, and I am not sad for them. But I am being honest when I say I am sad for me. I will never celebrate my birthday again. I did not really celebrate it very much to begin with anyway.

I will survive until I can't any longer. That is all I can do...survive one day at a time.

Keeping to myself more than ever now. I have no real life friends. I do have a few close family members still. That is a blessing that some people do not have. I will be content with this. I'll stop focusing on the losses and appreciate what and who I still have left. I will try to be a better person for them. 

Jesus is still my constant friend.

There's nothing that can take me from Him.  

I remain, In Him...

~NEVER-FORSAKEN~

2023 FIRST POST AND UPDATE

 

 

 It's 2023. I am Fifty Seven years old.

It feels so strange being this age. I am no longer young, yet I am not yet considered very old, or elderly..but I know that is coming up very fast for me, the years are flying by, and I’ve not been having a whole lot of fun! So much for that old saying  “time flies when you’re having fun “

There's a whole lot of strangeness in this world and I do not know who, if anyone to trust these days. Of course we can only trust Our Lord just as always. This is my comfort. 

I admit I got caught up in all the news and all the stories of Biblical prophecy unfolding very quickly at this time..and I have, once again decided to tune it all out! I simply cannot function with all of it on my mind day and night. I will put these worries and stress into God's hands, where it belongs. I have faith and that is enough.

It's a wet but snowy day outside. I fed Oliver and gave the two hens some warmed peas. We have plenty of fresh water and food in the house. It is warm in here and we are both content in life even though we are not in the best health. 

Our home is paid off and Jeff will retire in less than two years. We have everything we need. God is good and He takes care of us very well. What happens in the world does not happen unless he allows it and it is according to his perfect plan, so fretting about these things is a useless pastime.

 

HERE IS A SUMMARY OF THE LAST FEW MONTHS:

July 19 

 I'm in my fifties and diagnosed with stage four cancer (in remission). I lost a couple good (I thought) friends when I got diagnosed. We really did not expect me to live long, but here I am nearly four years since my second diagnosis with it, and nine years since the beginning. One of the friends came back recently admitting she was scared. I am struggling with her betrayal though to be honest. We were friends since high school. The other friend who lives in the neighborhood remains absent from my life after more than two decades together. {Her choice, not mine.} My very best friend died a year ago May, and I am still hurting from it even though I know I will see her again someday in heaven. I have my husband, my daughter(s) and my dog..without them I would not be here.

 I am slowly getting back into art, mostly sketching in order to keep it simple. For the past five or so years, I have fallen into love with horses! I simply cannot get enough of them, I draw them, play two horse games online, I collect little statues and even have a life-sized stuffed pony that my husband gave me! I am struggling with my faith. Its been hard to talk honestly with God. 

September 22, 2022

 I made fourteen videos for my YouTube channel last month! I planned to continue paying for the two subscriptions that help me make the videos, but after doing so many I realized that there's more than enough content on my channel for anyone to watch for a long, long time now. I have done everything from a tribute to Arthur Morgan (RDR2) to Arthur and Mary, Abigail and John, John and Arthur..to short funny videos, music videos, personal videos etc...) There is literally NOTHING left to make a video about at this time, so I cancelled my subscription to Epidemic sound (Music source)..and Now I am ready to cancel my editor subscription as well. This saves me paying $25 a month! (for something I normally do not use every month). I feel very strongly that it is time to do something else with my time, energy and (hopefully) God-given talents..to pursue my Lord and study the Word of God on a deeper level. I will continue to play RDO with Sam..although the game remains quite broken still..and of course, for relaxation I will play SSO for the horses I have collected and enjoyment in a non-threatening/non-stressful environment. 

 

9/25/22

My hip pain continues. It is the only intolerable pain I have. I need to make sure I have the necessary prescription to keep it under control. I cannot even think or sleep when its at its worst!

January 11, 2023

*NOTE* I just learned that this hip pain is not arthritis or joint pain but a tightened muscle and/or tendon. I learned some stretching exercises {online} to help. This means I can stop taking the medication for pain and manage it better now!

Also...

I've been studying the Bible and listening to many pastors and teachers online. I have been so depressed lately, still missing Deb terribly! I decided this week, after gaining a few unhealthy pounds recently, and having less and less energy I need to take responsibility for my own health, and do something about it! I walked the treadmill for almost 25 minutes this morning, ate steamed spinach with apple cider vinegar and a hard boiled egg in the vinegar as well with turmeric and ate a banana. I also had some white tea and honey as well as my coffee. Yesterday I sat outside with the hens for around a half hour in the fresh/cold air. I will try not to get discouraged and keep on with this plan. Go outside everyday regardless the weather, and eat only real and healthy foods and move my body daily. I am also redirecting my passion for writing back to the Lord. My hope is also to start sketching again soon. My mind needs to be more clear in order to be able to do that though. 

ANOTHER UPDATE: 2/9/2023

 

 Time keeps slipping by. I wonder about continuing to post on this blog? I play Star Stable Online every day and might blog about that more often on-THE DOMINO EFFECT. {My younger grandchildren may enjoy reading that blog}. Because today is a wet, chilly day, I woke up in a lot of pain from arthritis. Jeff works a lot of hours with his own arthritis pain, so I can't complain. Thanks to the blessing of his job, I can chose to take it easy when I don't feel so great. I did take care of the two hens. Laydee, our main laying hen has decided to have a late winter molt and is not laying eggs lately. I've been giving her a lot of extra protein and treats to help her along. I even placed a straw bale with a hanging treat feeder to help her stay warm and active. The coop and run are warm and dry. I miss having fresh eggs.

SOME SPRINGTIME BLESSINGS

Hyacinth and Daffodils

Rhododendron

Wild Violets

(?) Very sweet fragrance!

 

Laydee sunbathing on her sweet pepper snack!

 

Oliver sitting on the swing with me

Looks like its time for a nap!

And aspire to live quietly, to attend to your own matters, and to work with your own hands, as we have instructed you. Then you will behave properly toward outsiders without being dependent on anyone.                                           

   1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

~Blessings & Love~

and remember, we are...

~NEVER FORSAKEN~

WHAT IS HIDDEN

 

1 Corinthians 4:3-5

I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.

My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me.

Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God. 

 

~Blessing & Love~

And remember, we are...

 

~NEVER FORSAKEN~

MENTAL HEALTH MONTH

I have always loved birds. The threat of Avian Flu is forcing us to take down the feeders. This feels like just one more thing the enemy is using to steal my joy.

 

Yesterday our favorite pet Hen, Lucee died. (Not Avian flu) She had a dis-functional shell gland which ended up causing her to not be able to form shells around her eggs. She tried to lay an egg yesterday (something that she seldom did) and without a proper shell it simply broke inside of her body causing her death. We had nursed her back to health during the early winter months because of this already, and knew it was only a matter of time.

RIP Lucee.. We will remember you for your sweet loving personality.

 I've struggled with severe depression and anxiety pretty much my entire adult life.

These last few years (This last decade) has pretty much been the wringer for me. I am not going into any of the details here in this post though, since I have pretty much already documented most of this on this and my other blogs.

What I am writing about today is how I have come to the end of one of the many ropes I often climb. I am forced to evaluate (re-evaluate) what I decide to spend my time on and what is good for my soul versus what is toxic to my soul as my mental health really does depend on this.

I heard just yesterday that May is "Mental Health Month". This seems like the perfect time to do this re-evaluation for me. 

My confession:

I tend to get drawn down into the "Rabbit Hole" in regards to watching world events and listening to many, many voices out there ..about EVERYTHING from the rise of the antichrist beast system, deception in the governments of the world, and in the world religions, even deception regarding the Holy Bible and its validity (Did they take out important books from the Bible? Did they add and remove scriptures or changed scriptures in the various translations, etc..) Then there's the threat of World War 3 looming, not to mention the rise of AI dominance (According to Elon Musk)- Even the subject of Aliens and UFO's has gripped my attention lately! I already mentioned the threat of Avian Flu which means we cannot feed the birds and enjoy them at our feeders this year. Now, there is a threat of a deadly Equine Flu! I love horses too! 

 

There's so much more than I can list on here right now. No wonder my poor mind is ready to explode!

I have been busy creating my own videos for the last several months as well. I really enjoyed doing this, but it did come with a cost, not only financially, but mentally and even physically as well. I would create a video and then have many sleepless nights as I obsessed over it and would spend countless hours on many other channels connecting with folks who also made similar videos..this wore me out and left very little time for my loved ones and for study of scripture, never mind taking care of my daily responsibilities..This hobby permeated my entire life, my thought life and my physical life both. I had to take a huge step back from this! I cancelled my subscriptions that I was paying to use the music and different editing tools..I even disconnected myself from the daily live streams from friends and acquaintances. I am sorry if that felt like an insult to them, but it was very necessary.

I have kept only the few hours a night spent with my daughter playing the online game from which I used the clips to make my videos. Now, instead of stopping all the time to clip a scene from my game-play, I am just actually enjoying the time spent playing it with Sam. This alone is proving to be very liberating! Even the hours I have spent playing the game has been reduced in order to insure I get better rest when I am tired.And I am spending more time with Jeff in the evening after he comes home from work.

So, I am (still) in the process of reducing my YouTube subscriptions and the time I spend watching videos, and I am being more mindful to be careful of what I watch. 

 And I have deactivated my Facebook account. This feels so incredibly good! I just simply could never keep up with everyone on there, and seldom shared a post myself. I never liked ignoring a friend request, even though I did not know, or know well most of the people sending them! I found myself feeling so guilty that I did not wish somebody a Happy Birthday, or otherwise respond to so many things..I ended up ignoring everyone in order so that nobody was hurt that I responded to one, and not the other. I need to have less burden of guilt on my shoulders, not more..so why create situations that I know will result in feelings of guilt and/or inadequacy?

There is just so much our human brains can take in before we end up burnt out and in shut-down mode. I mean, I have to limit how much I can download into my computer in order to ensure it stays working properly..and our minds are just like a computer as far as capacity goes.. what you put in will come out, and some of that stuff may even harm the computer. Same with our brains.

God's Word warns us about this too..

And HERE is an excellent, relative scripture we must always remember...

 

 

 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8

I am thinking that, with the Lords help, May will be a good start to a healthier mind and a more joyful spirit! 

Thank you for reading this,

~Blessings & Love~

and remember, we are... 

~NEVER FORSAKEN~